I Want You To Be The First To Know

My dear baby Jack,

This week, after a lot of soul-searching and honest conversation, mommy and daddy have decided that it's time for me to go back to work. It's going to be a process, and it's not going to happen tomorrow, but the idea is officially on the table. I just wanted you to be the first to know.

I knew this day would come eventually. Mommy has been blessed to be able to stay at home with you and your sisters for this long. I knew that it would one day come to an end, but I didn't know it would hurt this much. I haven't even started applying for jobs yet, but already my mind is racing forward and I'm envisioning the day I have to bring you to daycare and kiss your sweet face goodbye.

This week we sent Jenna off to kindergarten, and I felt like I could finally look at her and say that I'm a good mom. Finally, for the first time in five years. I realized that I must be to have created and raised a child as good as her. I was able to be at home with her for the last three years, and I'm so thankful for that! Then there's Kara. Mommy has been at home with her ever since the day she was born. She might grow up and feel slighted as my "middle child", but I will always tell her that mommy got to spend the most time at home with her when she was a child. The first three years of a child's life are so important. I got to be there for all of Kara's.

Now I look at you, and I don't know how I can do it. How can I short you on these quality years of having mama at home with you? How can I trust someone enough to do the job that I'm not even sure I trust myself doing? You are precious, sweet, funny and so full of life. You're smart, happy, and so full of personality. I guess I'm just feeling badly because of all that I'm going to miss out on by not spending another 18 months at home with you.

You're my last baby. My youngest. My little boy. I intended to spend days with you all to myself once your sisters were both gone to school. I was going to spoil you rotten, shower you with undivided attention, and give you some special time alone with just mommy and you. I was going to sign you up for classes, take you all kinds of places, and teach you all kinds of wonderful things. When I do go back to work, I might not have as many hours to do those things anymore, but I'm still going to do them. I might have to go back to work, but I'm never going to stop working on being your mommy. You are my first and most important job. I'll never forget that.

I'll also never forget how lucky I have been to be at home with you for your first 16 months of life. All that I've been around to witness, all that I've been able to do to help you grow and learn new things every day. This time with you has been such a miracle, such a gift.

I'm going to go now, so I can sneak up to your bedroom and watch you sleep. It's not going to happen tomorrow, but I'm officially going back to work. Sometime soon. And before that day comes, I'm going to soak in as much of you as I can.

All of my love,
Mama